the only bad part of the divergent is each time i watch it and Theo says my name and i scream internally.
so to deal with the morning that i had…
i binge watched the entire first season of orphan black so that i’m set for this weekend, and i studied nearly the entire module on the muscular system.
well in the midst of an anxiety attack at work i asked to step out to get some air, which is when i apparently just imploded and couldnt stop crying and hyperventalating…
soooo now i’m home, and i’m just taking the rest of the day to deal with this family stuff before going back to work tomorrow
last night my grandmother (dads side) went back into the hospital for kidney issues and an infection.
now, i find out my grandfather (moms side) has parkinsons and my mom thinks it may be a brain tumor but we’ll find out after his mri…
and i am told to make sure i have a funeral appropriate outfit just in case
and i have to try to be the emotionally stable one out of all of my siblings even though i’m the youngest. but i can do it.
and in times like this is when i tend to turn to faith, and not in a pray to god kind of way, but kind of just chat with the universe? i believe that if i put good and healing energy into the world then hopefully they will reach those that i love. So I guess it is a little bit like praying to god, just, not specifically directed at “god”
I just wish that i could take time off from work to be with my grandparents.
i’m trying very hard to handle this.
and on top of all this i had my lovely nightmare about having to have another abortion. which was basically the worst thing ever. i was just crying and i kept saying that i couldnt go back to that place, the clinic, and i couldn’t go through it again.
i thought about if i was in the world of divergent, and i had to go through my fear landscape, i know that at some point i would be lying on that exam room table again…
anyway, i’m going to watch hart of dixie til i fall asleep and let my dear love, Rachel Bilson, make me feel happy.
i really wish i could take the dy off today. i need to go back to sleep. i just dont want to do life today…